Freedom. When I think of freedom here is what comes to mind: having choices, making decisions, taking actions, following your interests, being yourself, saying what you feel or think about something without someone telling you to be quiet, and questioning everything you say and do.
When you are in an abusive relationship, there are no freedoms without consequences. You do not get to be your own person, you have no choices or decisions, eventually your interests will disappear, and your free speech will not exist.
It has been 15 months since I left my abuser, and the freedoms that I have back were nothing more than just a mere thought. There was never communication without me trying to justify what I did or said. My abuser played mind games. He manipulated me into thinking I was wrong all the time, and that I could never do anything right. This left me frustrated and bewildered, sometimes thinking I was crazy.
Living in this frame of mind for 5 years takes a toll. I began to just survive, becoming an empty, lost soul. I was without support of friends or family, because my abuser drove that away with control and manipulation. So, I was living for my abuser and what his wants and needs were and who he wanted me to be. I had no more dreams, they were just fragments of my imagination. I had no more aspirations to be anything more than I was. A woman without a voice, no self-esteem, no confidence, and no respect for myself I was ashamed at how I let myself be in this experience. I found myself with less and less hope for my future, until I woke up one day and realized this was not going to be my life anymore.
Life is not supposed to be lived in fear or without freedoms to be your own person. Life is meant to be free without fear and full of things and people that make life more enjoyable, happy and fulfilling. Having freedom is something most of us take for granted until we no longer have it. Freedom should not come with a price, be a bribe, or have any sort of consequence. No one should have control over another person.
The road of healing has been long, hard, and painful. Yet, now my days are full of freedoms that I thought I would never have again, choices, decisions, dreams, speech, and most of all free to be me. Nothing is impossible. Become strong. Be brave and free yourself from anything and anyone that doesn’t deserve you. Love should not hurt.
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